Broken
by GillianSwiftie
Summary: When she cuts her arms and doesn't eat for weeks, he's always there to pick her up. When he dies inside and doesn't tell anyone, she's the only one who knows. When he kisses her, he can taste the blood. When she hugs him, she can smell the heavy alcohol that surrounds him. AU. BADE


**disclaimer: I don't own anything recognisable. Its quite sad actually...**

**anyway here is a song fic I've spent months and months writing. There are like 2 scenes that are related but other than that most scenes are AU and completely different from each other. One they're broken up the next they're together. The last few lyrics are related. The lyrics are the same so I continued the story. There's Beck's POV for Seether and Jades POV for Amy.**

**They seem a little OOC.**

**Warning: Self Harm, Anorexia, Cutting, slight mentions of abuse but its not actually said.**

* * *

Jade sighed picking the black nail polish off her nails. I watched her intently, the way her icy blue eyes followed every little piece she scratched at. Her skin was a perfect porcelain white. Her flawless blush coloured lips were pressed in a line as she focused on her faultlessly manicured black nails. Her jet black hair was curled the same way as it was everyday. The black curls were parted with turquoise and green strands, falling perfectly between every few element of her unnatural ebony colour. I wanted to run my hand through the soft elegant curls the cascaded around her pale face but I knew I never would be able to, I just wanted to look her in the eyes once again.

I clearly should've tried harder to stop her from walking out that door, I should've gone after her. Right now I just want to turn back time cause that is what's keeping her in my mind right now. The time we spent together, hugging, crying, laughing and kissing, it all just replays itself back to me. When we were together, I guess I just didn't tell her I loved her enough, I didn't make her feel wanted or needed, I just took advantage of her, cause I'm stupid like that.

**I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh. **

"Beck? Where are my scissors?" Jade calls, her voice echoes around the silent RV. I look up from my laptop and see her crouched in the corner going through a pile of papers, I didn't think they'd be in there... "Which ones?" I questioned as she tore through the pile angrily. "The black handled ones!" She snapped, her voice was less harsh as usual and more alerted, she looked like she was about to break into tears. "Ok, stay calm. where did you put them last?" All I needed was for her to stay calm if she didn't, all hell would break loose. "I don't know! On that table!" She pointed to the fish tank just in front of it was a clean space just awaiting for something to be put there, they must have been moved. "Well I didn't move them, so they must be in here somewhere" I mumbled continuing to type a few jumbled up ideas onto the computer, trying to make sense of them.

"They aren't!" Jade whined as she whipped around the room swiftly before stopping and walking over to me "what are you doing?" She questioned, I looked up at her. Her arms were crossed, her icy blue eyes focused on mine, and her lips were turned into an amused smirk. "Homework" I answered, what did it look like? "Homework!" She mimicked in that 50's Judy Garland voice she uses to imitate Tori. I groaned, angrily but amused "Your so stupid" I mumbled Jade laughed "me? I'm not the one doing homework on a Saturday!" She teased "shut up!" I grumbled turning around to face the wall. Again Jade laughed "what's this about?" She asked sitting down next to me and placing her head on my shoulder "I have to write a script based on a song" I explained, "Sounds easy" she laughed running a hand through the parting of her hair. "Its actually not" I mumbled making her smile "I'll help you, being the A average student I am" she bragged playfully, placing a hand on her chest like she was swearing some kind of alliance. "Good I don't wanna fail" I wasn't one to whine but when homework was involved that was a whole different thing!

"Evanescence?" Jade said staring at the screen "Everybody's Fool" she read aloud, she started to contemplate the idea "sure" she agreed. Jade helped me write a majority of the script and we finished it in under half an hour it was about a girl who was too afraid to show everyone her real self so she hid behind this image of society's idea of perfect. Of course Jade thought of the idea. She was stubborn about it at first but we got it done.

"I'm sick of playing your games" I said

"I'm not holding any games, it's your choice, everything I have goes away in the end so what's the point" Jade retorted

"Just leave me out of it" I ordered

Jade sucked in a deep breath and placed the paper on the bed "I think it's great" she observed

"Well you did help write it didn't you" I coaxed, Jade laughed gently, the sound of her voice filled the quiet RV, I wish she'd laugh more often. I never really told her how much I love the way she laughed.

**I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. **

I walked through the abandoned school, it ended at least 3 hours ago but I had stayed after hours to help set up for a play, I was supposed to meet Jade half an hour ago but I haven't seen her. She took my car to drive home before coming back, I saw my car just no Jade.

Quiet sobs surrounded the halls, I heard them every few minutes. I knew it had to be her. But as soon as they were there, they were gone again. I wandered the halls, checking every end of the school from the asphalt cafe to Sikowitz's classroom even the maths classrooms.I just couldn't find her.

I walked out of the janitors closet for the... what would this be? 6th time. She just wasn't here. "Jade?" I called out, something fell and I started to hear footsteps, probably Jades. "Hey babe, how was set up?" She said, suddenly appearing next to me. Her eyes were bright red and almost blood shot. "It was fine" I mumbled "What's wrong?" Her eyes were dull when she looked at me "Nothing" she replied. "Jade, its obviously something" She always did this, kept everything to herself. She scowled "Don't get involved" I left the subject alone, for now.

"Can I stay the night?" Jade asked. I nodded and smiled "Of course you can" she sighed and lay back against the couch. "My dad kicked me out tonight" she admitted. I turned to look her in the eyes, asking her to go on "He told me, he and my mother were done" I watched for her expression as she explained. It was nonchalant she just looked bored. I expected to see her be a little angry or sad but it was half-hearted. "Neither of them want me" she went on "My mother is moving to Texas with her new boyfriend" She looked up at me not wanting to go on "And you father doesn't want you cause he hates you" I finished for her. Jade nodded.

Do you ever want to hold someone when they're sad. When they're not crying or sobbing into your arms. But they're just broken, they have no life inside their eyes. They don't talk or smile they just sit and watch life go by. Jade lost everything that makes her Jade. She no longer smiles when we're alone. She doesn't eat much. She doesn't yell at anyone. She no longer impersonates Tori or mock her, she just runs away when Tori irritates her. She doesn't cry she never shows emotion. I caught her with a few cuts on her arms yesterday. I wait everyday until we can go home and I can hold her tightly and steal away every kind of pain keeping her so hidden.

**I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well**

Days 21 hours 4 minutes 36 since I didn't open the door. I can't spend another minute here, in this world. Sitting alone in an RV was one of my worst fears, sitting alone and by that I mean without Jade. I've been drowning my 'sorrows' in liquor for the past week. I never realised how much I depended on her. Her smile, her eyes, her voice, her skin, its all gone. I think the worst part is seeing her at school everyday. Knowing I can't touch her or even talk to her, listen to her sing without being snapped at, I can't hang out with Tori without feeling guilty, she'd still feel betrayed knowing Jade. Its like the group had split into two groups, Cat and Jade, and Tori, Andre and I, Robbie occasionally hung out with both groups. Its like the whole break up has ruined our whole friendship.

I've spent nights at the Vega house with Tori, Andre and Trina (sometimes Robbie) and Tori and Trina they try to 'cheer me up' by telling me she wasn't worth it, I don't let myself believe them, cause I know it's wrong.

It wasn't until I was standing by a cliff one afternoon, wishing I could jump. My heart was pounding one last step and I'd be plunging to my death. I was about to take the step when I heard the song my heart couldn't bare listening to since that night at Tori's house.

"We're leaving here tonight

There's no need to tell anyone

They'd only hold us down

So by the mornings light

We'll be half way to anywhere

Where no one needs a reason"

I took the phone out of my pocket to see my favourite face. Jadelyn August West. I carefully stepped away from the cliff. What was I doing? Jade would never forgive me if I did this. I pressed answer and held the phone up to my ear.

"Beck!" She cried. My heart stopped at the emotion in her voice. Fear.

"Jade I-" I couldn't explain to her

"Don't do it, please please" she sobbed "I saw you on the cliff and I just- Don't please, if not for me for your family, for you" I listened to her voice

"No Jade"

"Please!" She screamed

"Listen to me Jade"

"Fine, talk"

"I'm not going to jump-"

"Then get off that cliff idiot" I missed her calling me that. Did that sound stupid... Yeah.

"I'm not going to jump for you"

"Why for me, you hate me. You left me behind the door like an idiot after a bad joke" she told me

"I didn't mean to"

"Then why aren't you gonna jump, for me?" She questioned

"I couldn't die knowing how disappointed you'd be, imagining the look on your face when they tell you"

"Oh I-"

"No it's my turn to talk. Without you, it hurts more than dying would. If you hadn't called I probably would've jumped by now"

"Thank god" Jade sighed

"If it was someone else I bet I still would've jumped"

"Even if it was Tori?"

"Especially if it was Tori"

"How about you get away from that cliff and you meet me at my place, I want to talk to you about something"

"About what?"

"About us"

**I wanna hold you high and steal your pain.**

"So he just called you and asked you to come over tonight for dinner" I repeated. Jade groaned "Yes! How many times do I have to repeat it" I sighed and kept on driving "Wait" she groaned angrily "So he just called you and asked us to have dinner with him" She nodded "And you just said yes?" She frowned "If I have to answer another stupid question one more time, I'm getting out and walking the next two miles" she snapped. I nodded and kept my mouth shut.

A few minutes of silence and well listening to the radio, Jade spoke up. "I do love you" she mumbled quietly "Yeah?" I smirked. She smiled slightly and laughed before punching me in the arm "Yes" she said laughing. "I love you to" I told her smiling. She smiled back. "Thanks for you know doing this" she said, I laughed "Jade, you know I don't mind going out to dinner with your family" I told her, she shook her head though and smiled to herself "No, I mean thanks for putting up with me for so long" she said "I'm not the easiest person to care about, I had bipolar depression for a majority of my childhood. But you cared and listened when no one else would" she looked at me and smiled "And I'm eternally grateful for that" she laughed again "Thanks for making me feel important all those times I wished I was dead, and if one of those moments is tonight, I know I can count on you"

I smiled at her "That is the most loving thing you have ever said and meant it" I told her laughing "Well you do the same for me, I'm sorry I don't have heaps of money to take you on expensive dates and all that chiz but I love you as well. And it's not one sided you've put up with me for years" Jade smiled "Thankyou and tell anyone I ever said that to you, your life will end faster than this relationship"

A few minutes of laughing and joking around we arrived at the restaurant Mr West had invited us to. It had been almost 2 months since the divorce and Jade had gone to stay with her grandmother until her mother came back. We both walked in hand in hand and sat down at the table Jades father sat at with a lady, I had never seen before. Jade obviously had her expression was angry and her eyes were fiery and dark.

"Alexandra" Jade deadpanned holding back every emotion I saw inside of her. "Jade, I see your still the same" the woman named Alexandra said looking Jade up and down "Slutty emo" Jade wasn't the only one upset by that comment but so was I. I fought the urge to punch the woman in the face. Jade just smiled and sat down. "I see your still trying to fix the plastic surgery you got ten years ago, your left cheek still hangs lower than your right" Alexandra rolled her eyes.

We sat in an awkward silence for a bit until Jade spoke up "So is there any reason you called me here or can we leave?" Her voice was angry and pissed off. Mr West frowned at her attitude. "I had some news for you" he said quietly, Jade rolled her eyes "Then let's hear it" she snapped. Looking like she was about to jump over the table and strangle the both of them. Which I would fear because she is extremely capable of that. I watched Mr West exchange a glance with Alexandra. I saw the glint of excitement in Alexandra's eyes and the regretful look in Mr West's. I wrapped my arm around Jade fearing this would be bad news. She got the message and put her head on my shoulder.

"Alexandra and I are moving to New York in a few weeks" Jades eyes widened "What!" She shrieked. "We're moving to-"

"I heard what you said, but why?" She said appalled, trying to keep herself from strangling the two. "Well we want to start out lives together in a different place" Alexandra explained. Jades mouth dropped "You ditched my mother for her best friend" she snapped.

"It's not that Jade I-" Mr West started to explain but Jade cut him short "How long? How long have you both been seeing each other?" She questioned angrily. "Not long just a year" again Jades mouth dropped "You were still with mom!" She cried "Jade! You don't understand" Jade stood up abruptly "Your right I don't understand how you can cheat on the one you loved for 20 years" she grabbed her purse and pulled at her cardigan "I don't care where you go and I don't care if you ever come back, don't bother calling me to see what university I get into or anything. I have no father" she snapped angrily. She stormed out of the restaurant.

The drive home was silent. I couldn't look at Jade though she was so vulnerable and sad as I heard her crying to herself. It was rare times like these you ever saw compassion or vulnerability out of Jade but they were the most heart breaking times I've seen.

When we got to her house. She didn't want to talk to me she just wanted to be alone. But I wouldn't let her, instead we sat on the couch together watching the scissoring. She didn't laugh or talk through it like usual when she would point out the mistakes of each character. I'd heard her tell me so much I actually expected her to say things but she never did.

It was like the day never happened, I could hardly remember anything all I could think of was making sure she was okay. If I left her alone who knows what she would do to herself. It'll be like the divorce all over again maybe even worse.

**'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome**

She watched him from her lunch table. The way he smiled, the way he laughed. She liked it when he was happy, maybe that's why she let him go. But no he let her go. He was happier when she wasn't around, she wasn't self centred she knew what had to be done. Jade loved him so much but he didn't love her. Making him sad by having him stay with her was heartless, if either of them were to be sad she'd rather it be her. When Jade West falls in love, she falls hard.

**And I don't feel right when you're gone away **

He sat in class peacefully watching the girl on stage. Her jet black hair, piercing blue eyes, porcelain skin. She was reading off a graded script she wrote for class. All it was was just her talking. He couldn't have wanted anything more than to listen to her voice as she read it. It was like she practiced for years, the depressing and dark set on the monologue was heart-wrenching. "It was like I didn't want to live anymore" she said "I thought the world would be better off without me" he knew then and there it wasn't just some script she wrote for class, it was the diary entry she had made 4 years ago before she attempted suicide.

**You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore**

Every now and then they exchange glances in class, at lunch, after school with the group. And both of them agree it's the best part of the day.

'He hates me' she thinks.

'She hates me' he thinks.

But they love each other, why won't someone tell them. It's so obvious Cat knows, Robbie knows even Trina. But they brush it off.

"He doesn't love me, he left me behind a door"

"She doesn't love me, she walked away"

But oh how they do love you. They both sit up each night and play that scene over in their heads. They count and they cry. They watch their videos over and over trying to find where they went wrong. Neither of them have worked it out.

Jade West is gone

And so is Beck Oliver.

**The worst is over now, we can breath again**

"I'm done fighting with you" I say, he looks at me and glares coldly, he knows I get enough of those from my parents. "And?" He snaps. "It's over" I deadpan. I pick up my bag off the ground and retreat out the door. It's pouring rain and freezing cold. I don't have my car and end up walking home, luckily it's not that far away. But the thunder starts and the rain gets heavier.

It's dark, about 10 at night and I can't see much, just following the street lights. It's the 5th time this month I've walked out. I'm sick of it, we just fight and fight and we go to school the next day and suddenly it's a 'I love you Jade' apology and suddenly we're back together. It gets tiring but it's worth it, right?

We've been together for 3 years and it's such and on and off relationship I can hardly remember the last time we went in a date. I was lying it is a long walk. All the way to my fathers, stupid Fridays!

On my way there I tripped and fell to the ground flat on my face. I cursed my stupidity and tried to stand back up only, I couldn't. As I tried to move my left foot pain went surging up my leg. I winced in pain and held my ankle tightly, looking at it with the little light I had on me. Was there supposed to be a bone sticking out of my ankle? Of course not. The pain wasn't stopping anytime soon so I pulled myself to the nearest bench. Crawling on my grazed hands and bruised knees from the fall, I managed to sit myself on the bench.

What felt like an hour passed by quite quickly. I was starting to fall asleep. When I heard my name.

"Jade" someone was shouting. I jolted awake at my name and stared around. No one. Maybe it was my imagination.

"Jade" that voice, I know it so well.

A figure came into view and ran up to me, out of breath.

"Jade" he said breathlessly. "What are you doing out so late?" He questioned catching his breath. "I hurt my ankle" I told him, pointing to my bruised misshaped ankle. He cringed before asking "How did it happen?" I shrugged "I was just walking and tripped on the concrete."

He lent down next to me and looked at my ankle "It's bad, I'm not gonna lie" I grimace. He sits next to me on the bench "Why were you running?" I questioned seriously staring him in the eye. "I called you but you didn't pick up, then I remember on Fridays you stayed at your dads and I figured there was no way you'd make it cause it was pouring so I came to find you in case something bad had happened" I smiled "Like this?" I asked, he smirked "No way worse I was like oh no what if she gets eaten! What will I do then" he joked, I laughed "I'm sorry for walking out" I told him "I'm sorry I was such an idiot letting you go when I knew you'd be out in the rain" he replied.

"Okay, I think the worst of the storm is over" he said "I'm gonna get you to a hospital" I tried to stand up but my left ankle failed, he shook his head "No, I'll help you" I put my hand up "Don't carry me, I hate that" I told him, he laughed "I'll support you then, Kay?" I smiled "Kay."

**I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away**

"How come I've never met your parents?" Beck asked, I froze. Parents? How was I supposed to answer that. Oh you know just cause they hate me and they're never around. That would be smooth.

"I've never really gotten around to it really, neither have they" I explained "They're always really busy with work and stuff" he stared at me curiously "In the two years we've been together they never once had time to meet me?" He clarified. I frowned that wasn't it at all.

"Ok, tonight" I decided, he stared at me wide eyed. "I can come over, tonight?" He clarified, I nodded it couldn't be that bad, could it. "If you get on my dads nerves he'll make you leave" I explained "So don't"

At 6:30 that night, the table was set and my parents were screaming at each other.

"She's not supposed to have a boyfriend." My dad yelled.

"She can do what she wants" Mum argued.

"You're never around, what's it to you"

"Neither are you, you don't even know her middle name"

"I have to work, we need the money"

"We have enough money, we don't have enough love in this family"

"Money can buy anything, I bought her every doll, every phone, anything she ever wanted. Shes still not happy"

"Because the one thing you can't buy is her love. You put her down and step on her dreams, and expect her to be okay with it"

"Whatever"

"Be nice to him"

"Fine"

"What did you make for dinner?" I ask politely as I approach my mother in the kitchen.

"Just lasagna" she replies. Checking the oven and then her watch.

"Ok, I'll be upstairs if you need me" I retreat back upstairs and sit in my room, alone. It was going to be perfect tonight, my parents weren't going to ruin it. They don't give anyone a chance, I'm lucky my mother even accepted Cat as my friend, she said 'Shes a good influence for you.'

"Go back to Boston" Dad screams.

"Go back to New York and cheat on me again"

"I didn't cheat on you"

"Why does your assistant still email you?"

"Shes my assistant"

"Shes 28 and she lives in New York"

"How do you know?"

"I just do"

"Oh why can't you jus-" The doorbell rang.

"Doorbell, I'll get it"

Shit

"So..." I started

"So" my mother smiled

"So..."

"So"

It went on for a while.

"Great food Mrs West" Beck says politely causing me to secretly roll my eyes.

"Thank you" Mother replies, what the hell since when is it 'Mother' ugh whatever. I'm not in the mood to argue with my head.

It was so awkward.

"Where do you go to school?" Dad asks.

"HA with Jade"

"What's HA?" I hear my dad whisper to my mother. She rolls her eyes. And says

"That's great, you sing? Paint?"

"Acting actually"

"He's an amazing actor" I add in.

After dinner I overhear the interrogation between him and my father.

"How old are you?"

"16" he says confused.

"When did you meet her?"

"3 years ago"

"Do you love her?"

"A lot"

"Do you like football?"

"No" That made me laugh.

"Good"

...

"So what's the real reason I've never met your parents?"

"Huh?"

"They obviously don't travel that much"

"How do you know?"

"I just do, answer my question"

"They hate me and everything I do. I'm always the one to blame, so I don't get them involved with my school life"

"Oh ok"

**There's so much left to learn but no one left to fight**

"Where is Sikowitz?" I asked the group as we sat alone in the classroom. They all shrugged, mumbling nonchalant words of confusion.

"Let's play a game!" Cat decided, beaming ear to ear.

"What about a game of truth?" Tori queried. I let out a irritated groan, Tori just rolled her eyes at me.

"A game of truth!" I mimicked as the others laughed, I smiled victoriously as Tori had shrunken back into her seat.

"I don't talk like that" she had mumbled. Hah sure.

"C'mon Jade, let's play" Andre agreed in the end and all the others turned against me and sided with him and Tori. How bad could it be?

"Ugh fine" I was weak in that moment. I listened and observed the rules of the game and decided to give it a go. That was until it was Beck's turn.

"Jade sleep talks" He had told them.

"I do not!" Was my immediate response, I mean seriously. Jade West does not sleep talk.

"What?" Was Andre's question as he bawled over in laughter. Holding his stomach like he was about to burst. Cat and Tori were giggling to each other, even Rex laughed.

"Yeah, What!" I demanded. He better have an explanation for this so called truth.

"It's really early, like four in the morning. She talks about the randomest things" Beck explains laughing every few words.

"Randomest isn't a word" I interject.

"It is now" He retorts. I shrug it off with a quiet 'Whatever'

"What does she talk about?" Cat asked innocently

"Llamas" Was his immediate and brilliant response.

"What?" Andre again asked doubling over in laughter trying to catch his breath.

"Really what do I say?"

"Well two nights ago, you tried to cross a llama with a rabbit" He told everyone.

"How did that turn out?" Robbie questioned, smiling widely.

"Let me just say, flying labbits will be something to be afraid of in the future" The group burst into a fit of laughter.

"Labbits!" Cat squealed, giggling like a maniac.

"I'm out" I stood up and walked towards the door. "I don't sleep talk" I added leaving the room.

"Whatever you say babe" Beck responded.

"Ok are you ready?"

"What do you want!" I demanded angrily. "It's 5:30 in the morning"

"Listen to this" he said quickly before pressing play on his phone.

"So Jade what have you invented today?" I heard him ask.

"International- humph, Llama - day"

"International?" Beck pressed, I heard him stifle a laugh.

"Yep, but - first we start -mmm, national- then internation- al"

"Should I alert the president?"

"Ye-ahh, he'll- agree with me"

"Will he now?" Beck teased

"We're best- best friends"

"You and Obama?"

"Bro- brobamas" Beck lets out a loud laugh, and I hear the bed covers moving around.

"What day should Llama day be?"

"On my- birthday"

"July 26?"

"Yeah-ah"

"What food will they sell?"

"Llamacakes"

"What are they?"

"Red-vel-vet Ll-ama, cupcakes. Cat'll hel-p make them"

"Will she now?"

"Yeah-ah"

"What about chocolate covered Llamas?"

"E-eww, no, gross- They wouldn't like that"

"How do you know?"

"I-I spe-ak fluent Llama"

"Okay"

"Yes"

"Muffins Jade"

"Farewell, space- princess- galactic"

"Zac Efron"

"He's a- princess from space?"

"Sure"

"Oh ok-kay, wish hi-m luck from- me"

The camera turns off and he bursts out into a fit of laughter.

"I'll kill you"

**I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.**

"What do you want?" I asked storming over to the group crowded infront of the RV.

"He hasn't been at school all week" Cat exclaimed pouting, her big brown eyes almost filled with tears.

"Won't answer his phone and the door is locked" Andre told me. I shrugged.

"So?" I rolled my eyes at them. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Open the door!" Tori shouted angrily.

"Sorry Tori, I don't listen to spoiled princesses" I retorted. I didn't want to be here, I had homework to finish.

"Please" Robbie begged.

"You have a key" Cat added innocently. I sighed, I can't say no to Cat.

I pulled the key out of my bag. I kept it in there for umm special emergencies, like this one. Walking up the step and pushing it into the hole, the door opened.

"Wait out here" I demanded. Taking a step inside, staring at the familiar surroundings from 4 months ago, prior to the break up.

He was lying on his bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

"What's so great about the ceiling?" I asked him. He didn't budge. "Are you okay?" I asked him cautiously.

"Go home" he mumbled drearily.

"Beck?" I inquired curiously, scarcely stepping over to him.

"You don't need to be here" he spoke in a upset tone. I shrugged it off and stepped closer.

"What have you done to yourself!" I burst out catching sight of the scars on his arm. His rolled up flannel shirt showed signs of scarring and crimson lines. He immediately reached for his sleeve to pull it down but I jumped at him and grabbed his wrist.

"It wasn't me" he admitted blankly, as I scanned his arm. They went up to his elbow. Thin red lines the colour of Cat's hair.

"Who was it then?" I questioned, running my thumb against the jagged cuts.

"The demons in my head" he replied. I reached up to stroke his cheek but remembered we were broken up. I pulled my hand back to my side and left it there.

"What happened?" Confusion and sadness were my conflicted emotions at the minute. Why would he do this to himself? Why would he ruin his perfect tanned skin?

"She's dead, Jade" he revealed quietly. A lightening bolt of fear ran through my body.

"Who?"

"Mom." Another one flew to my head and caused a nail splitting head ache.

"I'll be right back" I said mindlessly.

I walked out the door remembering the group standing out in the cold.

"He's just got a cold" I lied, shrugging and tilting my head.

"Can we come in?" Tori asked.

"No" I snapped. "He's infectious, don't want you all getting sick" they all shrugged and pondered the thought.

"Why are you in there then?" Tori asked. She has way to many questions.

"Cause I can be, he needs someone to take care of him"

"Ok"

They all left.

"The others are gone" I told him. Walking back inside as they left. The place was a mess, scattered DVDs, bottles of soda, photos of random things- what is my favourite shirt doing on the kitchen counter? "So, do you wanna talk?" I asked sitting on the bed. He shook his head and continued to stare up at the ceiling. "please I'm worried about you"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Your mother, tell me what happened" I stated empathetically, grabbing his hand and placing it in my lap. "I'm here for you"

"What if it's to much and I-I-" he started to stutter uncontrollably. I shushed him and ran my hand over the scars.

"You'll be fine okay" I said softly. "If you need to cut, you will cut my arms"

"What no!" I nodded and stared into his eyes. "Jade! I can't do that to you"

"You have to, ruining your arms with scars, will ruin your acting career." I explained. "These will easily go away, give them some time" I ran my hand over the cuts again. "I'm already covered in cuts, it's better for the both of us"

"I can't do that to you"

"Listen to me, you are going to take my arm and cut as many times as you would yourself"

"Why?"

"Cause I love you"

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open

"I love you" Jade admitted, his mouth fell wide open.

"You've never said that before"

"I know, I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you"

"So you decided tonight was the right time?" She nodded

"I wouldn't want to be with anyone but you"

"I love you to"

"Can you get me a paper towel?"

"Sure, clean up that blood babe"

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

"Put the gun down Jade"

"Put the knife down Beck"

"Only if you do"

"On 5"

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

They close their eyes tightly and chant together "5"

She drops the gun and it falls onto the bed. He drops the knife and it hits the pile of clothes.

"I'm strong if you are"

"You are always strong"

**'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome**

Cats face was tear stained as she threw weak punches at her friends chest.

"Shes in rehab because of you"

"Why me?" Beck asked carelessly. Cat was obviously over exaggerating it.

"She tried to kill herself, don't you understand!" Cat shouted. "Her parents sent her away to get better"

"Good, so she'll get better" Beck mumbled only hearing half of what Cat had said.

"She loved you and you just let her go like that?"

"I didn't do anything Cat, go send her some flowers or something"

"You don't give a fuck about the girl you 'loved' for 3 whole fucking years"

"I cared about her for years and years Cat, she was the one who didn't care"

"If she didn't care then why is she in rehab?"

"Because shes a sociopath"

"Don't talk about my best friend like that"

"Are you sure shes your friend, Jade doesn't have any friends"

"You have no right to even say her name, I hate you"

"Good for you. Its time to leave Cat"

"Whatever. Goodbye Oliver"

"Later Valentine"

**And I don't feel right when you're gone away**

"I'm gonna miss you" Jade mumbled, her eyes were closed tightly. And her mind raced with insults and painful thoughts. The room was dark and all she could see was the boy lying next to her.

"Can't you come with me?" He asked. Jade shook her head.

"I wish I could but my play is this week and I can't miss it"

"Postpone it to next week"

"I can't Sikowitz said I could only have it this Tuesday"

"Well I want a full reenactment of it when I get back"

"Of course"

"The clowns shall bounce"

"It's called 'Clowns Don't Bounce' " Jade snapped

"Oh... Well they don't, do they" Beck remarked.

"Nope" She giggled.

"I hope its your best one yet"

"They're only good when you're there to see them"

"I'm sorry, just imagine me in the audience"

"I will"

"This is the last time I'll see you for the next 2 weeks, I'm gonna miss you"

"Don't get sappy on me, don't you dare" Jade laughed.

"Why don't we have a 'sappy off'?"

"You're naturally going to win, you know?"

"I know"

"Fine"

"I've never felt this way before, everything I do reminds me of you" Jade laughed at the cheesiness of his line.

"He wasn't my everything until we were nothing" Jade exclaimed off the top of her head making Beck laugh.

"Just a little bit of your heart is all I want, just a little bit of your heart is all I need"

"Even when you're yelling at me, I still think you're beautiful" Jade stated emotionlessly, she was gonna lose bad.

"I know your face, your eyes, your lips your taste" Beck sang. Jade punched him in the arm laughing slightly.

"Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, love isn't love until you give it away" Jade scrunched up her nose and stuck her tongue out at him in a childish attempt to retreat. He laughed and thought of another one.

"Only in the agony of parting do we look deep into the depths of love"

"That was good"

"I know, its my specialty" Jade laughed at him.

"I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when your gone away"

"Cheater"

"Shut up, you used Avril Lavigne lyrics"

"Oh thats where I heard that before"

"I know, I overly abuse that song by playing it every day"

"Your gonna be amazed by the one I just thought of"

"Spill it"

"I've cried enough tears, to see my reflection in them"

"Oh that was deep"

"Wasn't it"

"Oh no, I'm crying enough tears to see my own reflection now because that was just so deep"

"No need for your sarcasm"

"It wasn't sarcasm it was just over dramatising it a little"

"Correction; a lot"

"Whatever"

**Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome**

The rope was already tied to the ceiling fan, all Jade had to do was pull it around her neck and she'd be lost in paradise. But she couldn't bring herself to do it, she couldn't bring herself to kick the chair from underneath her and let her neck scar. She thought of poor innocent Cat who loved her so much, who Jade loved so much. She thought if stupid ignorant Tori Vega, who made her want to drown orphans. She thought of talented, amazing ideal Andre Harris, who helped her so much but she frightened the hell out of. She thought of nerdy inconsiderate Robbie and Rex, who Cat seemed to like but Jade could barely stand, she preferred them over Vega any day though.

She thought of loving, caring handsome Beck Oliver, who hated her and broke her heart. Jade West loved no one anymore. Jade West was heartless, cold, rude, inconsiderate and brutally sadistic. She didn't need friends all she needed was the self inflicted pain and scars that covered her arms.

**And I don't feel right when your gone away**

"She what?" Beck questioned as he listened to his girlfriend sob over the phone.

"She cancelled my play, for her stupid prome" Jade sobbed into the phone.

"Jade I'm sorry. I know how hard you worked on it and I- why would she do that?"

"I told you she isn't a nice person, shes out to destroy me"

"Jade its probably just a misunderstanding." See that, he didn't protect his own girlfriend instead he sided with a girl he met a year ago.

"It's not, she called me a freak demon and-" Jades voice started to break.

"What happened?" Beck questioned cautiously, he was worried at this point, not for Tori he'd completely forgotten about the pain Jade would inflict on her but now he was focusing on his broken girlfriend.

"You know Doug The Diaper Guy?"

"Yeah" he whispered scarcely.

"Well did you know he has a past record of sexual abuse, rape and kidnappings?" Her voice broke when she said 'rape'

"No"

"Neither did I, but now I do"

"What did he-"

"I need you to come back!" Jade yelled as loud as she could with her breaking voice. Tears escaped her eyes and poured down her cheeks as she clung to her phone tightly.

"I'm almost home babe, just another hour ok?" Jade sniffles and he heard her nod in someway.

"Mhmm"

**You've gone away**

"Your not fat Jade"

"Yes I am!" She pushed angrily, staring at her body in the mirror.

"You're not, you're perfect"

"I'm ugly! Why would you even date me I'm just ugly. Inside and out"

"You're beautiful inside and out"

"You could have any girl you want, why would you settle for me?"

"Cause you understand me, I understand you. Your jealousy, my coldness. It's why we fit together so well."

"We don't. You just put up with me for weeks at a time until you can't take it"

"Why do you have to argue with me?"

"Because, I don't understand how you can love me"

"I don't understand how you could love me"

"Ugh please, who doesn't love you"

"I think we both know the answer to that"

"I'm an insecure, anorexic self harming bitch. How do you put up with me?"

"You're a misunderstood, beautiful, unique angel, I love you with all my heart"

"I love you to but-"

"No buts, you need to eat"

**You don't feel me here, anymore.**

Shes the most beautiful girl he's ever laid eyes on but shes so broken inside.

He's the most loving person shes ever met, but how can someone so loving be surrounded by such cold people.

Why does she hate herself? He wonders. Shes beautiful.

How can they hate him? She wonders. He's so loveable.

When he kisses her he tastes the blood from the last time she cut.

When she hugs him she can smell the alcohol from his house.

Everyone thinks their so different but.

He hates himself.

She hates herself.

He loves her.

She loves him.

_Isn't that all that matters?_

* * *

Please R&R. What did you like? what did you hate?


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